The Long Road to Separation
The path to asking, Is it time to separate? is long and winding. It looks different for every couple. Personal experiences, feelings, memories, and emotions intertwined through the relationship make it feel like no one can fully understand the pros and cons that you’re weighing.
The hurt is real––and you and your spouse have every right to heal under the grace and mercy of Jesus. The question is, what does healing look like for you both? Whether you’re looking to heal together or individually, Jesus needs to be at the center of the process as the Holy Spirit leads you closer to the comforting arms of the Father.
Looking at the Relationship
It’s important to reflect on the relationship as a whole when you’re in a stable and safe state of mind. Look back on how you and your spouse have been overall. Where have you allowed miscommunications to creep into the relationship, and how have you worked to improve that? Do you view marriage as a partnership where you bear one another’s burdens, or do you feel like you’re living in a constant state of self-defense? Has love remained a choice despite difficulties, or do you find it’s become more of an emotion that waxes and wanes with circumstances?
When a relationship seems to be crumbling, it’s usually not sudden. It’s typically a problem of small fractures in the foundation that lead to bigger problems. This type of unhealthiness can go unnoticed for so long that you convince yourself it’s only a season or it’s just how you two interact. But acknowledging problems for what they are enables you to work toward rebuilding––both together and apart.
Why Should I Separate?
Separation is a weighty decision that can cause a lot of ripple effects. Before you make the decision, understand that separation isn’t about getting a break from your spouse; it’s about pressing into God so that He might move more evidently in you and through you. Separation is about finding healing separately with the intention of finding healing together.
While the biblical grounds for divorce are clear (see Matthew 19:9), the reasons for taking a season of separation aren’t outlined in explicit terms. But what better place to start than the words of Jesus? See what He has to say on marriage and separation.
“But ‘God made male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” – Mark 10:6-9 NLT
God never intended for us to separate or divorce, yet He allows it at times because of our imperfections. But understanding that the heart of God is to heal and unify couples should give you hope that separation doesn’t have to be permanent—provided that entering back into the relationship is safe.
Seek Safety When Necessary
Cases of abuse (mental, emotional, verbal, and physical) are always valid reasons to separate and seek shelter immediately. The duration doesn’t always have to be long––but determining the length of separation should come after you’ve found a secure place to stay. Remember that God’s heart is to protect you, and He’ll never call you to remain in a vulnerable situation.
When you or others in the home are in imminent danger or harmful situations, don’t hesitate to make the choice to protect. It’s not selfish. Remain faithful to God first and foremost and your spouse second. Guard your heart against temptation and receive His mercy anew each day.
Other Reasons for Separation
For reasons outside of abuse––such as adultery, addiction, or abandonment––it’s important to seek God for wisdom and counsel. Loved ones are there to support you, but they may be more inclined to give you advice they think you want to hear rather than advice you actually need.
Look at God and His Word as your highest authority. Pray for God to put sin to death and bring revitalized life into the relationship. He desires healing, and you should, too. Trust that He will lead you each day on the path toward righteousness and reconciliation.
If it seems like separation will offer a sincere opportunity to pray and seek God’s will in the hope of restoring a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Ensure that your heart and mind are in the right place––putting God’s will above your own––and make the choice that brings Him the most glory.
When separating for any reason, we must abide by God’s commands for husbands and wives as outlined in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, “But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife” (NLT). Remove any distractions within your control as you take the time apart to ask the Spirit to renew your mind and heal your heart.
What Steps Should I Take Toward Reconciliation?
At the heart of reconciliation is a devotion to honor God and love others selflessly. Depending on the severity of the situation that’s led to your separation, seeking professionals who are trained to handle your specific situation is paramount to success. There is no a “one size fits all” solution.
Plan to find help for each specific area of the problem, so that you can address each issue with experienced knowledge. For example, spiritual growth is an area the Church and leadership can support you with. Cases of abuse or addiction, however, should be walked through with licensed professionals who know the proper steps to take for both immediate protection and long-term healing.
It may seem more convenient to try and resolve all your problems at once with one party involved. But relationships are complicated, so the way we care for them needs to be nuanced to our unique circumstances.
Trust God to Move
Wherever you find yourself in your relationship, God is already moving. He’s leading you to the next steps, softening hearts, and offering wisdom. His grace and mercy are abundant and His perfect love is freely given. Abide in Him, fill your heart and mind with His Word, lean into Him through prayer, and surround yourself with a community of people who will love you relentlessly. God is present and there is nothing that could ever change that.
Additional Resources
- Pastoral Care Team: Call our team for prayer or to talk at (800) 525-5683
- Divorce Life Resources: More resources from K-LOVE on divorce at klove.com/resources/divorce
- DivorceCare: Find a local group that will support you at www.divorcecare.org
